Unless you have spent the past 7 years living off the grid in a lean-to, you know that the Game of Thrones premiere was last night. And, being one of the most popular shows on Earth, chances are you know a few people that were having marathon parties or trying to scoop their friends HBO Go account info so they could tune in for the premiere (that’s what I did…).
And now, in the cold light of day, with all of the fervor and hype behind us, it is time we talk about what we thought of the Game of Thrones premiere.
It was awesome! For a number of reasons.
1. The Game of Thrones Premiere was Brand New – For EVERYONE
The sixth season Game of Thrones premiere marks the point at which George R.R. Martin has written up to in the books. So what that means is, at the end of season five, that is where the books end. This season is all new surprises – for everyone!
This year, there will be nobody walking around saying how much better it was in the book, or giving away little knowing glances when fans of the show speculate about the future of characters. Remember every smug asshole the episode before the Red Wedding? Well, not this year! So you can tell them to stuff it.
2. John Snow is still dead
Yeah, yeah, I may catch some flak for this one, but hear me out. At the end of last season when John Snow was so unceremoniously stabbed by all the officers of the Watch, there was a lot of theory spinning as to how they will bring him back to life. And remember what I said earlier – nobody knows what happens to John!
So, being the skeptical show watcher that I am, I was very concerned that the Game of Thrones premiere would start with some corny opening scene where we zoom in on John’s corpse, only to see his eyes jolt open and him try to catch his breath. Instead, he is just laid out in the snow. Will he come back to life some miraculous somehow? Who knows! Stay tuned to find out.
3. Daenarys is back with the Dothraki
Daenerys Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of Meereen, Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, Protector of the Realm, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, called Daenerys Stormborn, the Unburnt, Mother of Dragons. You know. Her.
So for all last season, Dany and her army of Unsullied were acting as the Queen and army, respectively, in the city of Meereen. But, certain residents were less than welcoming of their new queen -namely those golden-masked assassins that dropped in on the tournament last season. So, being the badass she is, she flies on the back of a dragon to escape, only to find herself amongst a horde of Dothraki – the people she once ruled over as the Khaleesi of Khal Drogo.
Do they make her a slave? Do they respect her former title? Do they kill her on the spot? If you didn’t see the episode, I’m not going to tell you! But I will say this – only cool shit can come of this.
And, with Dany out of Meereen…
4. Tyrion and Varys Lead a City
With Dany out of the picture, everyone’s favorite dwarf finally gets his hands on the wheel of a major city. We have seen him help lead kings and strategist brilliantly for usurpers. Now, he finally gets a shot at running a city all by himself.
Well, almost. Varys is still around to help him get his footing. And – for those that have seen the episode – to speak Valyrian for him so townspeople don’t think a dwarf wants to eat their babies.
5. Arya is going to learn how to be a Zatoichi
At the end of last season, Arya used the powers of the faceless to assassinate one of the many people on her list. However, part of being one of the faceless men, you are not supposed to kill for revenge – only those you have been hired to kill. So, as punishment, we saw her eyes go white.
Now a blind girl living on the streets, she sits collecting change and feeling bad for herself. Until the mean girl from last season comes out of the woodwork and kicks the shit out of her with a stick.
Sad, yes, but it means big things for the rest of the season. Namely, it looks like they are going to turn Arya into a freaking Zatoichi (aka blind swordsman, aka Daredevil).
6. Everyone knows about Cersei
In other news, the whole of Kings landing knows about Cersei’s insestuous relationships (albeit not the really, really, REALLY important one she has with her twin). So, while the bloodline of her son the King is still safe, everyone knows that she has been fooling around a little too close to the family tree.
So maybe this one is just for me, but I really like seeing her unhappy. She is the worst.
7. Dornish Ladies Take Back Their Throne
[SPOILERS. Badass spoilers]
Remember that Dornish woman that killed Myrcella at the end of season five? And remember the prince in the wheelchair that slapped her? Well, she put a stop to that right quick. And her daughters? Well, they put a spear right through her son’s face. So, yeah – Dorne is now a matriarchy run by a group of badass, murderous women, looking for some serious vengeance against the Lannisters.
8. Sansa and Theon team up with Brienne
After escaping house Bolton (you know, the creepy fuckers with the skin-peeling and the crazy torture), Theon and Sansa make a run for it. And right when they are about to get caught, who shows up but that brick shithouse, sword swinging, lady knight – Brienne of Tarth. And her squire Podrick.
After a healthy bout, Brienne proves why she was such a valuable sword to Renly. Once the fight is over, she takes a knee and pledges her undying fealty to Sansa, continuing her promise to Catlyn to look after all the Starks.
So now there is another supergroup rolling around Westeros!
9. The Red Lady Gives the World Terrified Boners
Okay, so this is about to get really spoiler-y, so if you haven’t seen the episode yet, hold off. Unless you don’t care.
So we all know who the Red Lady is, right? Melisandre – the woman who pumped Stannis up so much that he killed his own daughter. Yeah, her. Well, despite all of her evil tendencies, she is still one of the hottest women on the show. So at the end of this week’s episode, she is alone in her boudoir, slowly undressing.
And it is pretty great. She unbuttons her top, slowly removes it, exposes her breasts, and admires herself in her mirror. It’s hot.
And then she takes off her necklace…
Boom! Now she is a naked old lady with wispy witch hair and tits that look like under cooked flapjacks.
So thank you, HBO, for giving all of America the quickest un-boner-ing of all time. Hope there was someone from the Guinness book around to keep a record.