It’s that time of year again! The family is all gathered around the table. Dad is carving the turkey while mom passes the mashed potatoes and green beans. Everyone sits around, gets stuffed on a cornucopia of various side dishes, sauces, and meats. Then we get to speak earnestly about what we are thankful for. Personally, my favorite holiday!
Or, it would be, if we as a nation hadn’t ignited a fire underneath white supremacists and
Neo-Nazis, who have become dishearteningly outspoken about their yearning to “take back America” for white people.
They call themselves the Alt-Right, and they are a group that can be seen unabashedly harkening back to 1930’s era German propaganda tactics, calling the American media “Luegenpresse” (meaning lying press), questioning whether or not people of Jewish descent are even people “or instead soulless Golem,” and saying that “for [white people], it is conquer or die.”
But enough about America’s slow descent into Fascism. It’s time to talk turkey!
Thanksgiving Tip #1
For those in charge of preparing the turkey this year, we recommend that you brine the turkey for at least 12 hours before you cook it. If you are dealing with a frozen bird, you should defrost it in a cool refrigerator approximately 2 days before cooking. Once defrosted, place the turkey in a bucket with your brine of choice (Alton Brown has a pretty good one here).
After the brine is done, pop the turkey on the bottom rack of an oven preheated to 500 degrees. After 30 minutes, drop the temp to 350 and keep an eye on the bird. Once it’s internal temperature hits 161, you are good to go! The whole thing should take about 2 ½ to 3 hours, depending on the size of your turkey.
While we wait, who is ready for an alarming video of what is happening behind closed doors in America?
Alarming Alt-Right Video #1
Jesus Christ, are those people saying Sieg Heil?!
Yep. This is the Alt Right movement. A group of so called “white nationalists” who believe America should be a nation reserved for white people. Are they Nazis? Well, they are doing a Nazi salute, so you tell me.
Sorry. This is a Thanksgiving article and there were no Nazis at the first Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving Tip #2
Depending on who you ask, mashed potatoes are just as important to Thanksgiving as turkey. So if you plan to bring that weak ass made-from-powder crap, you might just get body checked. Plus, mashed potatoes are pretty damn easy to make.
To make the perfectly fluffy, non-lumpy, gravy absorbing mashed potatoes, follow this recipe and enjoy!
And while your doing that, lets see how Alt-Right Trump supporters feel about America’s role as a land of opportunity for folks of all walks of life…
Alt-Right Video #2
Oh come on!
Someone threatened an Uber driver and told him “Trump is president so you can kiss your fucking visa goodbye!” Why? Because he is Arab? Yes. That is exactly what happened because nothing makes any fucking sense anymore and terrible people finally feel comfortable exposing their deep-seated racism without fear of being called on it! AMERICA!!
Wow. Got a little heated. So who’s ready for more Thanksgiving tips?!
Thanksgiving Tip #3
When people think about Thanksgiving, they always think about a feast. But what does every good feast need? Something to wash it down. Now, most people keep it simple with beer and wine (or scotch, if you really want to pass out). But if you have some time, a nice mulled cider or a mulled wine is a pleasantly restorative concoction sure to warm you up and get your appetite revving.
Personally, I like the mulled wine recipe from Barefoot Contessa (Ina Garten), but you can get away with just a bottle of red wine, honey, cinnamon, clove, and a dash of spiced rum. Just make sure not to let it go full boil, or you loose all the good stuff.
Speaking of full boil…
Alt-Right Video #3
This guy’s coffee took longer than he would have liked and he blamed it on “white discrimination.” Then he started yelling “Trump!” and “You’re trash!” in a Starbucks at a black woman! Evidently this is the world we live in now!! FUUUUU-
Oh man, I’m sorry. We’re doing a Thanksgiving Tips article. You want to know how to make cranberry sauce?
Thanksgiving Tip #4
Get it out of a can. Who cares? Nobody eats it anyway and we have more important shit to deal with.
Alt Right Video #4
HOLY SHIT IS THAT GLENN BECK?! Glenn Beck is coming out against Trump’s appointment of Steve Bannon (CEO of Breitbart, the Alt-Right’s most recognized news outlet) to be his Chief Strategist? YES HE IS! That’s like if Darth Vader came out saying “Hey, I love the Empire and everything, but this Palpatine guy is making some pretty reckless decisions. I mean a Death Star? Why would he even call it that? That’s insane!”
You want another tip? Another precious tip for your Thanksgiving celebration? Here’s a tip.
Thanksgiving Tip #5
Try not to punch your uncle when he brings up #AllLivesMatter.