In the coming months, there are going to be a lot of opportunities to have all day drinking parties. And whether you are going to head down to the park, the beach, or just a friends backyard, partying from noon ‘til midnight is one of the best things about summer period.
Just grab a cooler of beer, a pack of hot dogs, a football, and some friends. That is all you need to turn a regular Saturday into a day you guys will never forget.
Except for Steve. Steve will forget because Steve forgot to follow these four simple rules, got super fucked up, and passed out. Don’t be like Steve.
I know it sounds dumb and obvious – “drink water.” But if it is so obvious, then why do people like Steve always forget?! Because they are too preoccupied, and it is hard to tell when you have had too much until it is too late. So, before you reach the point of no return like that idiot Steve, just follow this one simple rule: for every two alcoholic beverages you have, try to have at least 8oz of water – especially if you are out in the sun.
I don’t care how you have to remember it. Setting an alarm on your phone for once an hour can be a good reminder. Just keep water handy and drink it every so often.
Stay In Your Lane
You are at a barbecue. There are cans of Coors in the cooler, your friends wife sangria, and your uncle keeps offering you shots of reposado. Each of these, on their own, is a great way to have a fun time at the barbecue. But, if you are going to try and hang in there for the long haul, refrain from switching around too much.
Some people, like Steve, say it is a misnomer. They say that the only thing affecting the rate at which you get drunk is the ABV and volume of what you are drinking. And perhaps that is true. But let me posit this. Which of these scenarios do YOU think will land you in hangover prison faster?
- Drinking 10 beers over the course of 6 hours
- Drinking 4 glasses of sangria, two IPAs, and four shots of tequila over 6 hours
I think the choice is pretty clear. So take a shot to have fun, but then get right back in your lane.
Arguably the most important rule on the list, and also one of the most frequently ignored. And I am not talking about diligently monitoring and keeping track of your intake. I’m just talking about not drinking like an asshole. Like that idiot Steve.
Any time you try to do an all day, fun-in-the-sun party, there is going to be one person who gets balls-to-the-wall blasted within the first two hours (i.e, STEVE). Don’t be that person. Don’t be Steve.
Side note: for those who are show up late – just because you got to the party a few hours after everyone else doesn’t mean you have to play “catch up.” People often overcompensate for their absence by taking a bunch of shots to “get on everyone else’s level,” forgetting that everyone else had their drinks over the course of a few hours. This is a great way to show up, blow past everyone, and end up devolving into a drunken mess quickly. Somehow also Steve.
This one is simple and does not require any explanation. Just eat!
Fucking eat. I don’t care if you aren’t hungry, Steve. Get a hamburger or some pasta salad in you. You will die if you don’t eat, Steve! You will have to go to the hospital and I am not explaining to your mother that you are full of tubes because you refused to have a piece of cornbread, Steve!
Clearly, Steve is an asshole. He is an asshole because he:
- Forgot to drink water
- Mixed sangria, beer, and tequila shooters all day
- Refused to pace himself
- Did not eat at all
So don’t be a Steve. Your friends and your liver will thank you.